Thursday, March 24, 2011

Another one

This is one that I have told a lot of people. BUT I have to write it down so I can look back in 3 years and remember the hilarity. This story is pretty much par for our life....weird and hilarious. It's kind of long because it has a back story with it.

Just in case you didn't know already, I'm a Mormon, yes I am. There are all sorts of people that belong to the LDS church.....Nice, fat, skinny, pretty, weird, awesome, fugly, and completely crazy.

Completely crazy is who I'll be telling you about today...mixed in with nice.

There's this lady in our ward that is seriously one of the nicest people on earth. She loves me and I don't even know her name. When I taught Gospel Doctrine she would come up to me or call me after church to tell me (and I quote) "What an amazingly spiritual person you are. You have so much wisdom for your age." Dan and I would die laughing every time. It is pretty funny if you really think about it. Using spiritual and wisdom in the same sentence as Julie Fisher=kinda funny. Obnoxious and negative would be better words to use, but whatever. We'll stick with the first description.

Sister Nice is the ward choir director, and she takes this calling very seriously. She even takes it upon herself to re-compose the songs they sing. She does this by holding notes out in weird places, or pausing in the middle of sentences. A person listening to this music will do one of two things...#1-feel so awkward that they want to crawl out of their own skin. #2-Bend over in the pew and pee their pants laughing. We tried #1 the first few times we heard the angels singing, but it just wasn't my cup of tea. So I rudely chose option numero dos. I'm sorry, I cannot help it. It is THAT funny. Let me give you an example: "There is suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunSHINE in my soul today, more glorious...............pause.....................and bright!"
Try to convince me that's not funny!

One week Dan and I regrettably sat about 4 rows from the front on a week that the choir was to be singing. Before the meeting started Sister Nice came down and asked me to sing with the choir. Ok, I've NEVER been to any practice....not one. I've never even shown interest in joining the choir...soooo wtf? I told her I didn't even know the song and she said it was just a song from the hymn book. Dan thinks he's being all funny and says "You should do it hun." then he looks and Sister Nice and says, "She has a really really good singing voice." That's when I piped in and said "So does he, do you need more men to sing?" Of course Sister Nice got all excited and we were officially members of the choir! Yay!

I didn't get nervous until I was up on stage because that is when I suddenly remembered her weird stops and starts and note holding obsession. To make a long story short, she did re-compose it and I wasn't holding out the right notes or pausing at the right moments....and neither were half the people around me that had been to choir practice. So it sounded terrible and my eyes were watering from holding my laugh for so long. Pretty much it was an embarrassing disaster.

Fast forward 4 weeks. Some choir members were on the stage when we walked into Sacrament meeting, so to avoid being asked to join the choir once again, Dan and I leave and walk around the halls until right before the meeting started. We came in and sat on the very back row. We thought we were safe, but we underestimated Sister Nice. After the first talk, the choir got up to sing. Sister nice turns around toward the audience and is staring right at us. So I look at Dan and say "DO NOT make eye contact." By this time all the choir members are on the stage trying to get into their seats. I look up and Sister Nice catches my eye and starts waving us forward. At first it was just a little wave with her fingers, like "come on up here buddy." Then it got worse. She started using both of her arms, raised above her head, smiling, nodding, waving like a maniac. Dan is looking down at a hymn book trying not to laugh, and I am looking past her pretending like I don't see the if it could go unnoticed. Everyone in the audience is looking around while I sit on the back row with a straight face. In my head I am thinking "OH MY HELL IS THIS SERIOUSLY HAPPENING. STOP LADY, JUST STOP WAVING YOUR ARMS AND SING!" Finally she gives up because everyone is in their seats ready to sing. So she turns around and says something to the choir, and just when we thought the awkwardness was over she turns around AGAIN. She waves her arms at us with the biggest smile on her face. I wish I could have taken a picture of my face right there in that moment. I was stunned. Who does this?! Dan is now bent over laughing....I have tears coming out of my eyes from holding in the laughter. She proceeds to wave like a wild animal over and over and over while I proceed to look past her and smile. Finally, after what seemed like 31 minutes, she gave up.....and I gave up on holding back the laughter. The funniest part of the whole thing is that the couple in front of us thought she was waving at them. So they're sitting there shaking their heads, motioning no with their hands, mouthing NO, and feeling really uncomfortable. We were laughing so hard we were crying. Totally irreverent. Then, as if that wasn't funny enough the choir starts singing the re-composed words of Sister Nice......and the somewhat quiet laughter turned into completely inappropriate and we had to get up and leave before we were struck with lightening.

My last words as we stood on the sidewalk and laughed: "That did NOT just happen!"

p.s. You ought to see Dan' impression of Sister Nice. Diapers must be worn when you watch it.

p.s.s. She called me after church and left a 3 min. 10 second voice mail about how she was waving at us to come up there to sing and how spiritual I am.

Yep...this is my life.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Remember when?

Dan went to Hastings to rent a movie or a game....I can't remember which, irrelevant really. He went to check out and the amazingly clueless teenager ringing him up told him that his membership expired. Here's the conversation....

Clueless: This membership expired.

Dan: Ok, can I renew it? Or do I need to sign up for a new one?

Clueless: Um. No.

Dan: No?

Clueless: Your membership is expired so you can't rent this.

Dan: I realize it's expired, how do I get one that isn't expired?

Clueless: You can't. It's expired.

Dan (can you just picture the look on his face at this point?): Uhhhhh

Clueless: *stands there and stares*

Dan: So I can't ever rent from here because it expired.

Clueless: That's right

Dan: So what you're telling me right now is that since this card that you give to customers for free expired, there is no way that I can get a new one, which means I can never ever rent from Hastings again?

Clueless: Yes, that's correct.

Dan's mind was officially blown. He started laughing and left.
He came home and told me the story and I laid on the bed and laughed my face off.

Here's what I get from this story....
#1-People are extremely stupid. wow.
#2-How on earth did that kid get a job?????? It took me three months to find a job here and I have common sense!
#3-Who trained him and why does that trainer still have a job?
#4-Dan is too nice. I would have laughed in the kids face and told him to get a supervisor.
#5-Who are his parents?
#6-Our life is hilarious.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I've got nothin'

Update anyone? Oh I'd love to give you one....but I've got nothing to say. Usually when something awesomely awesome happens in my life I come to my blog and jot a few notes down about it to remind myself to write about it, but I have not been doing this lately so I don't remember anything. Also, I feel like I have missed writing about so many events that I hate to just move on like nothing ever happened....but I must!
I'll start keeping better notes starting today.

You know what else I started today? Jillians Michaels 30 day shred.....and I used Zayden's spaghetti o's as weights. I hated every second of it. I wish I was one of those people that hated food and loved working out. Life would be awesome. Speaking of food, I cannot wait to end this blog so I can go whip up some lemon poppy seed muffins. Who'd like to join me?

A few weeks ago we went to Twin to see Adyson. Love her to bits!
Her latest funnies:

Ady: "Grandma is your house trashed?"
My mom and I start laughing
Grandma: "What???"
Ady: "Is your house trashed?"
Grandma: "No, why do you ask that?"
Ady: "Oh I don't know, I just thought maybe Zayden had been there."
My mom and I died. What 4 year old uses the word "trashed"? Seriously hilarious.

Her big thing that she loves loves loves to play is school. She's always the teacher. My mom has bought her a whole school set up....pointer and all. She thinks it's so awesome to boss us around and we think it's not awesome but we play along anyway.

Ady: "Draw the number five. Don't make me call the cops on you!"

Apparently she had just learned about the police and 911 in school. So all weekend we heard her threats of calling the cops and the ambulance if we didn't obey her. At one point I got kind of worried that she didn't truly understand that you can't just call the cops for stupid stuff, so I double checked with her about when we should actually call them. I do not want her to end up on "the stupidest 911 calls" on youtube one day. She seemed to understand pretty well.

She's still in love with dogs and cats and she cannot understand why I hate cats. Don't worry, I refrain from telling her how stinky and selfish they are. She tries to keep her cat away from me and apologizes for it when it comes near me. One time the dogs started barking outside and she looked at me and said, "Ugh! Be quiet dumb dogs! I am sorry they are acting like this, Ju." lol she cracks me up.

Dan just recently changed stations at work and he l.o.v.e.s it. Sometimes he forgets to call home during the day because he l.o.v.e.s it so much. Turd. He likes the guys he works with and they all seem to get along pretty well. Dan gets along with almost anybody, but he met his match at the last station he worked at. It was a rough year, but we've moved on & we're oh so glad.
I always find it funny how excited people get when they find out Dan is a firefighter. We actually had one guy ask Dan if he could come to the station and try on his turn outs just to see what it feels like. Not even kidding. I always warn Dan about getting a big head over peoples comments. Lets face it, there are some firefighters out there that are just a little too excited to be labeled "heroes". Call me a bad wife, but I refuse to have my husband be one of those. Men are usually the ones that start oogling over the fact that he can call himself DanDan the fireman (okay, maybe only I call him that). The other day he went to the chiropractor and the dude instantly fell in love with him once he found out his profession....and upon leaving the office the Chiro said "Cool, now I can say that I actually KNOW a firefighter." Really? Does it automatically make you cool amongst your peers to KNOW a firefighter? If so, I am one lucky SOB because I married one. Yessssss. People can hate me all they want, but once I drop the "my eternal companion is a fireman" bomb, I'm automatically in like flynn. How lucky is my life?!

Speaking of the fireman, he turns 30 next month! Who's exciteeeed?! Not him! He thinks it's lame that he's 30 with no child. I think it's pretty lame as well. If I could buy him a baby for his birthday, I would. In fact, I'd buy him 30 babies just so we could get our own TV show on TLC. What isn't lame is that he's 30 and he's still pretty awesome. Although, in 30 years he's acquired some pretty troublesome habits...let me name 30 of them for you. Hahaha I kid I kid...but seriously, for your next 30 years lets work on the sniffing and twitching in bed while I'm trying to snooze, can we? kthanksbye.

I will close with these tidbit gems:

-Don't you love when you're in sacrament meeting and the speaker that has gone on and on for the past 35 minutes says "I will close with....". Oh man my heart skips a beat because I know they're about to shut their pie hole. Haha...don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

-My arm has been twitching all night. I literally started punching myself to try and stop it. Still twitching....

-I just looked through pictures of when Adyson & Zayden were babes....hellz bellz they are stinkin adorable. The pictures of them in their car seats and bassinets make me want to have a baby like you wouldn't believe. I cannot wait to take pictures of my babies all snuggled up in a bassinet with their bums up in the air. (Yes, I know babies aren't supposed to sleep on their bellies...I've read 6 parenting books. Crazy much?)

-I didn't shower today.

-We're going to San Diego next month!

-I miss my husband today.

-I'm in the 'clean it out and throw it away' mood.

-My mom reminded me today of when we saw Chris Cagle in concert and he started fake crying. I'm laughing as I type this. Seriously awkward.

-Speaking of awkward how 'bout the After the Final Rose show? Uhhhhhh....2 months, tops.

-This is what is on my night stand right now.....a 3oz jar of Mentholatum (I'm addicted, so what?). Deodorant. Water. IB Profen. A giraffe that holds my wedding ring. A box from Honduras. Earrings. A lamp. And the best thing off all, Flarp. Google it. Should I try to squeeze any other non essential item on my night stand?

-I just got the funniest text from my bff. Tears.

-I told you I had absolutely nothing to talk about.

-No pictures because I'm Laz-zay.