Thursday, March 24, 2011

Another one

This is one that I have told a lot of people. BUT I have to write it down so I can look back in 3 years and remember the hilarity. This story is pretty much par for our life....weird and hilarious. It's kind of long because it has a back story with it.

Just in case you didn't know already, I'm a Mormon, yes I am. There are all sorts of people that belong to the LDS church.....Nice, fat, skinny, pretty, weird, awesome, fugly, and completely crazy.

Completely crazy is who I'll be telling you about today...mixed in with nice.

There's this lady in our ward that is seriously one of the nicest people on earth. She loves me and I don't even know her name. When I taught Gospel Doctrine she would come up to me or call me after church to tell me (and I quote) "What an amazingly spiritual person you are. You have so much wisdom for your age." Dan and I would die laughing every time. It is pretty funny if you really think about it. Using spiritual and wisdom in the same sentence as Julie Fisher=kinda funny. Obnoxious and negative would be better words to use, but whatever. We'll stick with the first description.

Sister Nice is the ward choir director, and she takes this calling very seriously. She even takes it upon herself to re-compose the songs they sing. She does this by holding notes out in weird places, or pausing in the middle of sentences. A person listening to this music will do one of two things...#1-feel so awkward that they want to crawl out of their own skin. #2-Bend over in the pew and pee their pants laughing. We tried #1 the first few times we heard the angels singing, but it just wasn't my cup of tea. So I rudely chose option numero dos. I'm sorry, I cannot help it. It is THAT funny. Let me give you an example: "There is suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunSHINE in my soul today, more glorious...............pause.....................and bright!"
Try to convince me that's not funny!

One week Dan and I regrettably sat about 4 rows from the front on a week that the choir was to be singing. Before the meeting started Sister Nice came down and asked me to sing with the choir. Ok, I've NEVER been to any practice....not one. I've never even shown interest in joining the choir...soooo wtf? I told her I didn't even know the song and she said it was just a song from the hymn book. Dan thinks he's being all funny and says "You should do it hun." then he looks and Sister Nice and says, "She has a really really good singing voice." That's when I piped in and said "So does he, do you need more men to sing?" Of course Sister Nice got all excited and we were officially members of the choir! Yay!

I didn't get nervous until I was up on stage because that is when I suddenly remembered her weird stops and starts and note holding obsession. To make a long story short, she did re-compose it and I wasn't holding out the right notes or pausing at the right moments....and neither were half the people around me that had been to choir practice. So it sounded terrible and my eyes were watering from holding my laugh for so long. Pretty much it was an embarrassing disaster.

Fast forward 4 weeks. Some choir members were on the stage when we walked into Sacrament meeting, so to avoid being asked to join the choir once again, Dan and I leave and walk around the halls until right before the meeting started. We came in and sat on the very back row. We thought we were safe, but we underestimated Sister Nice. After the first talk, the choir got up to sing. Sister nice turns around toward the audience and is staring right at us. So I look at Dan and say "DO NOT make eye contact." By this time all the choir members are on the stage trying to get into their seats. I look up and Sister Nice catches my eye and starts waving us forward. At first it was just a little wave with her fingers, like "come on up here buddy." Then it got worse. She started using both of her arms, raised above her head, smiling, nodding, waving like a maniac. Dan is looking down at a hymn book trying not to laugh, and I am looking past her pretending like I don't see the if it could go unnoticed. Everyone in the audience is looking around while I sit on the back row with a straight face. In my head I am thinking "OH MY HELL IS THIS SERIOUSLY HAPPENING. STOP LADY, JUST STOP WAVING YOUR ARMS AND SING!" Finally she gives up because everyone is in their seats ready to sing. So she turns around and says something to the choir, and just when we thought the awkwardness was over she turns around AGAIN. She waves her arms at us with the biggest smile on her face. I wish I could have taken a picture of my face right there in that moment. I was stunned. Who does this?! Dan is now bent over laughing....I have tears coming out of my eyes from holding in the laughter. She proceeds to wave like a wild animal over and over and over while I proceed to look past her and smile. Finally, after what seemed like 31 minutes, she gave up.....and I gave up on holding back the laughter. The funniest part of the whole thing is that the couple in front of us thought she was waving at them. So they're sitting there shaking their heads, motioning no with their hands, mouthing NO, and feeling really uncomfortable. We were laughing so hard we were crying. Totally irreverent. Then, as if that wasn't funny enough the choir starts singing the re-composed words of Sister Nice......and the somewhat quiet laughter turned into completely inappropriate and we had to get up and leave before we were struck with lightening.

My last words as we stood on the sidewalk and laughed: "That did NOT just happen!"

p.s. You ought to see Dan' impression of Sister Nice. Diapers must be worn when you watch it.

p.s.s. She called me after church and left a 3 min. 10 second voice mail about how she was waving at us to come up there to sing and how spiritual I am.

Yep...this is my life.


Michael and Julie said...

BAHAHAHAHAH! I needed a diaper just to read that! I am laughing so hard right now - I seriously have tears in my eyes and there are no kleenexes to be found. Please tell me you are making a blog book before you die - I will buy it and publish it in memory of you - ok that was morbid, but you get the idea!

Dan and Julie Fisher said...

Funny, right? Holy crap, does this happen in other people's lives or are we the only lucky ones?? I die laughing every time I think of the incident.
I will make a blog book, but only because you told me to. I'll even dedicate it to you...Julie #2. bahahahahaha

Justin said...

Once again, oh how I miss that ward!!! She asked us I think 20 times, every week for like 2 years straight if we wanted to be in the choir. And each time she said, "Oh, a new couple!" over and over. Didn't she remember she asked us last week and the previous 7 months? Doesn't she remember that we have been there and are not new to the ward? Then in the hall one sunday Dan Valletta was with Justin and she came up to them and Dan told her Justin had a really good voice and she said, to Justin, "Ok. Sing la la la la la!!!" to see if he could cut it for the choir, so Justin had to then go "La la la la la!!!" in his very off key voice. She had him do it like 4 times. I don't know how he did it without peeing his pants laughing or how Dan didn't either watching it.

jj and jessica said...

Oh how you make me laugh! I love reading your blog. Miss you on fb. I thought my ward was hubby even did a blog post about it. This and Dan's Hastings story left me in tears of laughter. Thanks :)

Marianne said...

HOLY CRAP I'm still laughing!! Awesome Julie, totally Awesome!!:) I agree, I love reading your blog, it makes me laugh so much!! I'm not gonna lie-you guys seem to have quite the ward going on;) Glad things are going well!!